


What It Meant To Me

by lameparties



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Best Friends, Bottom Harry, Drugs, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Jealousy, M/M, Threesome, Threesome - F/M/M, Unrequited Love, Virgin Harry, but it's still gay don't worry, but not in an angsty way, i guess, just to get it out there yes there's hetero stuff going on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2018-07-25 07:56:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 18,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7524658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lameparties/pseuds/lameparties
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry and Louis have been best friends since primary school. Harry might like Louis more than that. So when Louis and his female friend suggest a threesome, Harry can't say no although it means more to him than he'd ever admit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi!!  
> things you may or may not want to know before you read this story  
> \- english is not my native language  
> \- this involves straight sex i know a lot of you are not used to this lmao  
> \- anyway it’s a story about harry and louis, i promise  
> hope you enjoy!!!

Louis is my best friend. Always has been. 

In my first year of school, when I was six, Brad, a broad kid with yellow teeth and greasy hair would tease me for all the things that were wrong with me. Like my lanky body, the way that my arms and legs were too long for my height, my nose that my face had not yet grown into and my curly hair.

He’d tell everyone I was weird, probably because I had just moved next door to him and he felt like I was an intruder, living a little too close to his territory. The other kids would believe him and if it wasn’t for Louis, I don’t know what my childhood would have looked like. I guess I would have been alone. 

Louis, two years older than me, saw something in me that nobody else did. We ran into each other in the restroom and it was friendship at first sight. He decided very quickly that he wanted me to be a part of his life and I was glad to tell my mother I made at least one friend at school. 

Louis didn’t exactly fight Brad or defend me - I think he was scared of him, too. But at least he was there for me. He'd let me talk about him. Get everything off my chest. 

He was there when I cried in second grade because they stole my shoes. He’d make me laugh and he’d invite me over so often that our mums became good friends. He’d talk me into sleep during sleepovers, god, he’d talk so much. He was silly a lot, silly and goofy, so that mum thought he was childish. But he wasn’t. He was just trying to cheer me up.

 

Then, in sixth grade when we were as close as brothers I stopped caring about what people said. Louis taught me not to. I learned that I was perfect the way I was because my very best friend told me so and he would always and forever stand up to me. “I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of you“, he said one night when he was around fifteen, more mature than ever and capable of expressing his thoughts and feelings. When we were brave enough to tell each other how much we appreciated our friendship, how much we loved each other like we loved our families. 

And it helped me so much. Louis had always been so good for me, made me feel my best, when nothing else helped. 

I knew I was not a boring person because Louis wouldn’t get tired of me. I knew I was smart because Louis said so when I solved his math homework. And I knew I was funny, too, because he laughed at my knock knock jokes so hard he even fell out of the bed once. 

This friendship that we had - that we still have - it will never break. Because even if we have other friends now, and even if I don't need anyone to protect me now, we still stick together. “I think if I ever meet someone more interesting than you“, Louis told me when he was seventeen. “Which obviously won’t ever happen. But let’s just say _if_ I meet someone like that, I think I’d still always go back to you. Cause you’re my best friend. Just like they say. Brothers until the end.“ 

And it was true. Even when Louis got his first girlfriend, he’d still spend more time with me. He’d sneak into my house at night to tell me all about his dates. He'd tell me all the things that I still hadn’t done - the kissing, the touching and the sex. He did it all with her and I’d listen to his stories, excitement on my face as I'd watch him talk. 

It had always been like this. Louis, always experiencing everything first, would tell me all about life. 

His first break up was rough. His second a little easier. And now, half a year later, is when he met Ali. 

Ali is seventeen, a year younger than Louis and a year older than me, and she’s pretty. Pretty and nice. At first it's just Louis and her and I think that maybe Louis likes her a bit. He talks about her a lot. About her body. About the things she does. They have sex but they’re not together. It’s this new thing that Louis says he’s trying out - friends with benefits. 

And it’s not like I’m jealous of her. I like her. She’s probably the nicest girl I know - and I guess I don’t know a lot of girls but I really do think she’s cool. 

The fact that she has everything I’d ever want from Louis doesn’t change that.

 


	2. Chapter 2

The thing is that Ali is just genuinely a cool person. She’s nice, so nice that Louis wants me to meet her and since we get along from the beginning, we become something like friends. She’s my first female friend - honestly, I never had many friends beside Louis and I’m glad she’s there. 

Now that there’s three of us, we sometimes invite her over to our 2am meetings or lazy afternoons. What used to be Harry and Louis now sometimes is Harry, Louis and Ali - and it’s cool. Louis makes sure to not make me feel like the third wheel when the three of us hang out together. In fact, he sticks to me closely, always sitting closer to my side of the couch always asking for my opinions first. 

And it’s not like I’m jealous of her. I like her.

As weeks turn into months and we hang out more, we actually start talking about more personal stuff and it’s only natural that it sometimes leads to certain topics. 

“Harry, can I ask you something?“, she says, lying on the floor of Louis’ bedroom and staring up at the ceiling. Louis is next to her and I’m next to Louis. He’s holding my hand out of habit, has it pressed to his collarbone. 

“Already did!“, he points out and I bump my elbow into his rips lightly.

“Sure, go ahead“, I say. 

“Have you ever had a girlfriend? Or like, a girl you had a crush on?“ Her voice sounds curious like she genuinely wants to know. 

Louis turns his head to me and grins. “Believe me Ali, I’ve tried to get that information out of him for all his life but he just won’t tell.“

I roll my eyes. “There’s nothing to tell. I just never liked anyone“, I defend myself, blushing a little. “I’ve got nothing to hide - sorry guys. And no, I’ve never had a girlfriend.“

 

Later when Louis is in the bathroom Ali and I sit crossed legged on the floor, facing each other. “What?“, I ask because the look on her face is a little strange. She comes a little closer to me and grabs my hand. I look at her, completely confused and laugh. “ _What?_ “

She grins, her eyes moving up my body and to my face. Then she says: “You’re pretty fit, Harry.“

I raise my eyebrows. “Uhhh - thanks?“ 

Her grin widens. She glances at the door, then pulls back a little and looks at me with a smug look on her face. “Okay, be honest. You like guys, don’t you?“

I tense slightly and furrow my brows. “What?"

“I can tell you’re not interested in me.“ 

“Well yeah - you’re my friend.“

“No Harry, I mean.“ She puts my hand on her thigh and I look down at it, showing no reaction at all. She slowly pushes my hand up her thigh and my confusion only grows. “I can tell. You’re not even curious. And believe me, guys your age _are_ curious.“

I look at her. Silent in defeat. She smiles and puts my hand away, then playfully tousles my hair. “Did you tell him?“

I shake my head. “No.“

“Why not?“ 

“Because he’s my best friend and that’s more important than anything else in the world.“

She looks at me for a while and then nods slowly, understanding. “You like him?“

I don’t answer that question but she knows either way. 

 

///

 

Louis being Louis, always takes care of me. It’s always been his job since the day we met, to make sure I’m safe and content, preferably happy. 

When we go to parties and I’m the youngest (which I usually am), not knowing any of the other people that he and Ali met somewhere through school, he never just leaves me there, always puts all effort into making things easy for me. 

When he goes to talk to his friends he drags me with him, makes sure we find a topic that I can talk about, too. When I drink alcohol, he’s even more watchful. “Are you tipsy?“, he checks once again and I try to reply truthfully. 

“A bit.“

He looks at the beer in my hand. “Do you still want to finish that? Because if not, it’s perfectly fine to stop.“

“I think I want to drink it.“

He nods and later, when I’m a lot more tipsy and a little sleepy and we sit in a circle of people, he lets me put my head in his lap although all his other friends are watching. They drink and talk but Louis pets my head because that’s just what he always does. I feel the most comfortable like this, close my eyes and drift off, isolating myself from the conversation. 

Eventually I hear one of Louis’ friends ask: “Is he your brother? What was his name again?“ and I wonder if that’s what it looks like. That we’re brothers. 

“It’s Harry“, I hear Louis say, gently running his fingertips over my scalp. „And no, he’s my best friend.“

 

///

 

Since Ali and Louis do have a sexual friendship, they meet alone sometimes. Louis doesn’t hide it from me. It’s all transparent and whenever I text or call him because I want to meet up and he’s with Ali, he tells me that much but always makes sure I’m okay with it and invites me over for later. 

When I arrive they’re always fully dressed but there’s still little things I notice, like that Louis’ bed sheets are wrinkled or his hair is a little messier than usual. I also notice a certain glow in their eyes and I wonder what it’s like. What they do and if it feels good. 

When Louis is out of the room, Ali and I sometimes talk about him. “Are you jealous?“, she wants to know one night when Louis is somewhere in the kitchen, preparing some snacks. 

I look at her thoughtfully. “I’m not sure“, I say and it’s the truth. 

“Would you want to be with Louis the way I am?“, she asks next. Her eyes are never mean or teasing, mostly curious and always with a certain empathy. 

“He’s like my brother“, I say. 

“So you wouldn’t want to kiss him?“

I’m quiet for a moment, making sure the noises of Louis rummaging in the kitchen are still there. Then I look back at Ali. “I would. I would want to do more than that, too. But it can never happen.“ 

Ali slowly gets up from where’s she was sitting on the floor and sits down next to me on the bed. Her voice is quiet. “Listen“, she says. “Louis talks about you all the time. When he’s with me, too. Sometimes I think you’re all he ever thinks about.“

I feel my heart swelling a bit and smile. “Well, we love each other, so …“

“I’m just saying“, she interrupts. “I think you might have a chance with him.“

I frown. I don’t think that’s true. Again I wait for a moment, making sure Louis isn’t coming back yet before scooting closer. My voice is barely a whisper. “Even if I had, there’s no point in it. I want to be his friend. I mean his best friend - and that’s something that can’t ever change, you know? I want to be with him until we’re old and grey and there’s no way I’d ruin that and risk losing him. I’m not gonna tell him how I feel. It’s okay. I can handle not having him like this as long as I can be his friend.“

She looks at me, her brown eyes moving over my face to find any doubt. Then she smiles a sad smile and leans back. “Okay. I understand“, she says and I love that about her. The way she just understands.


	3. Chapter 3

As much as I love Ali and spending time with her, being alone with Louis is what I love the most. It’s past midnight and we’re crashing at his place because I don’t want my mother to find out I drank alcohol. 

The bed is warm and soft and Louis smells wonderful, especially when we got out of our clothes and my face is in his neck so I can breathe in the scent of his skin. We’ve noticed we’re both more touchy when we’re drunk but we decided that we’re okay with it. I guess by now there's not a person in this world I have cuddled more with than Louis - not even my mum. So drunk cuddles with less clothing and more hands shouldn’t be a problem. 

The lights are out but Louis is still on his phone, his hand on my spine, keeping me close. I tiredly breathe into his neck, letting my mind wander to thoughts I only allow when I’m drunk. I love when he holds me like this. 

After some time Louis puts his phone away and yawns, rolling around slightly so he’s almost crashing my bones. “Ouch“, I groan sleepily. 

“Sorry.“ He quickly rolls back but takes me with him so that I’m half on top of him, my chest against his and my face in his neck. He holds me tightly with both arms. “I always forget you’re so sensitive.“

“You’re just heavy“, I murmur. 

“Oh shut up.“ I feel his thigh between my legs, just lying there innocently but I’m still very aware of it. I’m only wearing boxers and the fabric is thin. I fight the urge to push my hips against him. 

I’m a little stiff but it doesn’t worry me - it’s not unusual. Louis and I have known each other for far too long to worry about things like boners - in fact, I was there when he got his first boner. I remember him telling me all about it. So whenever he notices it now he says it’s normal for my age and nothing to be ashamed of. 

Still, the feeling of my dick against his thigh is intense and exciting to me. 

“Good night“, I breathe and he lets his finger run down my spine.

“Sleep well.“ 

 

///

 

“You know …“ Ali puts her arm around my shoulder. “I could talk to him about it.“ 

"About what?“ I stare at her blankly. “Ali, if you tell him anything, I swear-“

“Relax. I’m not gonna tell him anything. I could just … you know … tell him that you wanna try out some stuff. Experience certain things. Actually, I thought that maybe we could suggest him like, a threesome.“

“ _What?_ “ I stare at her like she’s insane. “You, him and me? Ali, I love you and all but I don’t want my hands anywhere on your body.“

She rolls her eyes. “Don’t be such a child. Look, there wouldn’t just be me. There would be Louis, too. Do you think he’d refuse you?“ 

“I’m a guy and his best friend so yeah, obviously. It would be like … sleeping with his brother to him. Ali this is the craziest idea you ever had. Just forget it.“

She sighs and puts her head on my shoulder. “I just don’t want you to feel left out. Think about it at least? Just imagine … some alcohol, we’re all kinda tipsy in bed … You know Louis, he always makes sure you’re happy. I’m sure he’d be willing to teach you one or two things. And you wouldn’t have to tell him about your feelings, you could just blame it all on the alcohol and nothing would change.“

I try to imagine that and while it sounds perfect I know it wouldn’t be like that. Louis would never touch me in a sexual way. It would be awkward and uncomfortable. Or wouldn’t it? Thinking about it, nothing had ever been uncomfortable between us. It’s kinda hard to imagine. “Why do you care so much?“, I ask after a while. 

Ali shrugs against my shoulder. “Dunno. I guess I just don’t like to see you left out of things. And since I know how you feel - I feel bad for being with Louis in a way you want to be … while it means so much more to you than to me.“ 

I gently pat her head. “You know, I think you're nicest girl that ever existed“, I say.

“Says the guy who barely knows three girls ..."

Before I can reply, Louis comes back to the living room and collapses next to me on the couch. 

“Cuddling without me? Really guys?“, he complains with a pout and then puts his arms around us and I try not to think about Ali’s suggestion too much. 

 

///

 

He had always been protective over me. It’s probably because he had to defend me a lot when we were younger. He’s quite the mum sometimes actually, with how he always does what he does for me. When I’m lazy and feel like skipping classes, he talks me out of it. When I don’t understand a thing in math, he explains it to me, even if it takes five hours and a lot of coffee. Not that he’d let me drink coffee. 

“Not trying to sound like your mum but this is your third cup already“, he points out and I roll my eyes. 

But the truth is, I don’t mind. I like the fact that he cares about me. I like to feel so protected. It’s like I could never break because Louis is always there, looking for holes and scratches, cuts and bruises that he can mend, always makes sure I’m okay. He knows every single part of me and it’s like he knows everything I want before I even say it. 

Expect when it comes to the fact that I like him. It’s the only thing I don’t tell him. 

“Harry, focus“, he says sharply and puts his finger to the math book again. I sigh deeply but obey.

I could never tell him the truth.


	4. Chapter 4

Ali’s words got me thinking. It’s not like I think about it all the time - it’s just sometimes, when I’m alone in bed or when I’m drunk enough to allow these kind of thoughts. 

We’ve had a few beers now, the three of us walking through the night on our way back to Louis’ house, when my thoughts once again drift to the suggestion she made. 

The three of us, together. I wonder what Louis would say. 

When we reach his house it’s still warm enough to sit outside so we grab some snacks and some more alcohol to sit on the balcony. It’s then that I spot Louis’ hand on her thigh and I can’t help but wonder what they’d be doing right now if I wasn’t here.

Louis seems to have noticed my watchful eyes because he grins at me and puts his other hand on my thigh. “You know what?“, he asks us both and we look at him “I’m a pretty lucky man.“ His eyes sparkle a little. “I have the fittest friends in the whole world.“

“That’s true“, Ali agrees thoughtful with a little smirk. “Harry has gotten fitter from when I first met him.“

“And believe me, a _lot_ fitter from when _I_ first met him“, Louis says and we all laugh at that. I don’t think I was a very attractive six year old after all. He lets his hand move up my thigh and squeezes lightly, looking directly at me and I can see he’s pretty tipsy now. “But really, you’ve gotten quite sexy, Harry.“

I try not to blush because it’s the first time Louis ever called me _sexy_. I mean, he compliments me all the time but it’s usually things like _cute_ or _pretty_ , sometimes fit, sometimes even _beautiful_ \- but never sexy. “Thanks“, I say with a shy smile. “You aren’t bad yourself.“

And that’s when Ali somehow manages to change the topic and I know what she’s up to the moment the words leave her mouth. “You really need to get laid. You deserve it, Harry. Don’t you ever feel the urge to? I mean, you’re not like - _asexual_ or something, are you?“

Louis snorts. “He’s just too shy to talk to girls“, he answers for me and then looks at me with a funny face. „But you really should get laid sometime - the amount of times I’ve caught you with a boner is ridiculous.“ 

I groan and bump my elbow against his ribcage. “I can’t control it“, I defend myself.

“I know“, he says a little softer. Of course he knows. He went through the same phase my age before he met his first girlfriend. “And no pressure, yeah? I mean - even if I say things like this. Don’t ever pressure yourself. You know that, right?“ 

I nod and smile a little, loving the fact that even when he’s teasing me he’s still making sure I’m comfortable. 

We’re good to drop the topic but Ali isn’t quite finished. “I think you need to relax more around people. I mean, if it’s true you’re too shy with girls, maybe you could … practice.“ 

I give her a firm look and she replies with a confident grin that says - _come on, just go with it. Trust me -_ and I roll my eyes. 

“Practice?“ Louis raises his eyebrows.

“Yeah I mean - do it with someone you’re already comfortable with. I personally wouldn’t mind showing you a few things. As a friend of course - and Louis, too - right, Louis?“ 

My heart stops for a couple of seconds when I stare at his face, trying to read his expression. As much as I think Ali is being ridiculous, I’m still scared of what Louis is going to say. He looks confused at first, then slightly amused. “Okay, is this an actual suggestion?“, he asks, looking at Ali. I really hope she doesn’t mess this up and Louis ends up thinking it was my idea. 

“Yeah, I mean - why not? We’re friends. Works with us two, doesn’t it? I don’t see why it shouldn’t work with Harry as well.“ She grins and wriggles her eyebrows in a flirty way. “Or would it be weird with Harry and you? Because you’re both men? It’s your decision. What do you think, Harry?“

I give her a death glare and she gives me a look that says _come on._ I blink at Louis, then back at her. “Uh - dunno. I mean - we could like … try.“

Louis looks at me and his blue eyes make me nervous. He’s quiet for a while but not in an awkward way - after a couple of seconds he laughs and shakes his head. “Well, okay. But not today. I think I need to be really really drunk for that.“

“Excellent!“ Ali grins and winks at me and I can’t really grasp what we’ve just agreed on. “Then it’s a date!“

 

///

 

Nothing changes and after a week or so I’m convinced that they’ve both forgotten about it. Or maybe they came to the conclusion that it wasn't such a good idea after all once they were sober again. 

We don’t talk about it, not until a month later. It’s a warm night and we’re invited to a party. Louis watches my drinking and checks up on me as always, making sure I’m okay. Ali tells him to stop being such a mum and I tell her that I don’t mind. Louis sticks his tongue out at her and puts an arm around my shoulder. 

The party is crowded and Louis never leaves my side - and I wouldn’t want him to. We dance and drink and it’s past 2 am when the level of alcohol is high enough for us to hold hands for no reason. Eventually it gets too warm so we grab Ali and go outside. The fresh air feels good on my heated skin. 

“Home?“, Ali asks and we nod at her.

As we start to walk, Louis pulls me back slightly while Ali leaves first and I look at him a little confused. “What’s wrong?“

He holds my hand tightly and smiles in that way he always does when he wants me to feel safe. “I just want to check. Ali said she wanted to try it today. You know, the thing … that we were talking about.“

I feel excitement growing in my stomach. “Oh.“ 

Louis looks directly at me. “I need to know, so answer truthfully. Are you really okay with this? She didn’t talk you into this? And if you really do want to try it out - I’d totally understand if you want me out of this. I could leave you and Ali alone for the night if you want. If you don’t like me being there or if you think it’s weird.“

I bite the inside of my cheek, my eyes flickering over his face. “I’m more comfortable when you’re there“, I say honestly. “And come on, has anything ever been weird between us?“

He smiles. “No.“

I smile, too. “Then I want you to be there. I mean, if it’s okay with you.“

“It is!“, he says determined. 

“Well, then -“ I’m about to go follow Ali but he pulls me back once again. 

“Wait - one more thing.“ 

“What?“, I ask, my heart beat quickening. 

“Is it like - me and Ali. And you and Ali. Or is it me and you, too?“

I was scared of that question and now that it’s there I feel more nervous that ever. But I can’t sense a single bit of disgust or doubt in Louis’ eyes. Just curiosity and maybe a little confusion. I shrug slightly. “I - I think I wouldn’t mind. It’s just for experimental purpose, so“, I say in a quiet voice, a little unsure. 

“Okay“, Louis says, smiling a little. He throws his arm around my shoulder and then drags me forwards to follow Ali, who’s waiting for us on the other side of the street. “Whatever happens is just for fun“, he says and I agree, feeling excitement in every bone of my body. 

It’s just for fun. And I’m lying to myself, but maybe I don’t care so much right now. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the kudos<333 i try to update every day or every other day

We’re in the bus back to Louis’ flat, half empty bottles of beer in our hands when Louis kisses Ali. It’s quick and probably because we’re drunk now, more drunk than we were before and more drunk than I have ever been. 

I watch them and grip Louis’ hand - that’s still in mine - tightly. 

Louis doesn’t touch her, he just kisses her. The bus is empty at this late hour and for a moment I feel strange but then Louis pulls away to focus on me. I don’t know what to do, what this is, what we agreed on earlier, but I guess I’m invited in whatever they’re doing. It’s the three of us now. Louis kind of drags me up to shift places with me so I sit in the middle. 

With both their attention on me I can’t help but feel slightly nervous. I feel Ali’s hand on my shoulder but can only focus on Louis, who grins at me and then his hand just bluntly pats the bulge in my pants. “Are you ever not hard, Harry?“, he asks teasingly.

“Oh, shut up.“ My hearts beats loudly in my chest. I stare at him expectingly and his eyes move from my face to Ali and back again. 

“Don’t be shy“, he tells me. “She’s a good kisser.“

She - ? Oh, right. I swallow hard and look at Ali, my eyes making it very clear to her that I don’t want to kiss her. She rolls her eyes, then puts her lips to my ear. “Ask him to kiss you“, she whispers and I blush, staring at her like she’s insane. I quickly shake my head. 

“What are you two whispering about?“, Louis asks curiously and I don’t dare to look at him. 

“I think Harry is a lot more shy with girls than we thought“, Ali says and I give her another glare. She winks at me. “Lou, you should kiss him first.“

My heart stops for a second. I have to look at him because I need to see his expression. Louis looks more amused than anything. His eyes move over my face for a few seconds like he waits for me to protest but when I don’t say anything he snorts and leans in like it’s nothing. 

It’s just a tiny peck on the lips but it means more to me than I’d ever like to admit. His lips are a little dry, a little rough and I love it. For a second it’s like all the feelings I kept hidden all these years are turning into something new and I feel crushed by the intensity of it. When he pulls back he looks at me. “Okay?“

I blink at him, overwhelmed. “Uh - can we do that again?“, I ask, my voice a little shaky. 

Louis’ eyes wrinkle when he laughs and then he leans back in. It’s longer this time and it makes me forget everything. I close my eyes, only feel his dry lips moving against mine. He tastes of beer and something sweet, something I haven’t tasted before. I’ve known him all my life but I’ve never known him like _this._ This part of him. I open my mouth and Louis chuckles, pulling back before it gets too heated. “We’re almost at my station“, he says. 

I lean back and just stare at him as he says something about moving this to the bed and about how ridiculously excited I look. I don’t really listen to his words - I’m way too drunk and way too overwhelmed. 

The bus stops and when we finally reach his house after a few minutes walk that probably sobered us up a little, we immediately go to Louis’ bedroom. His parents are out so we have all the time in the world. Ali sighs and collapses on the bed, kicking off her shoes while Louis gets rid of his shirt. I’m excited, too excited to say anything - my tongue feels heavy and I just want to kiss Louis again. 

“Get undressed, too“, Ali commands and I feel slightly awkward but start to get rid of my shirt and jeans. I feel Ali checking me out and roll my eyes at her - she just smirks, until Louis gets on the bed and climbs on top of her. He kisses her and I try not to watch too closely, instead tell myself that it’s okay. And that it’s okay for me to join them.

By the time I get on the bed, Ali is in her underwear and I don’t know where to look, what to do, but Louis being Louis, doesn’t forget about me. He breaks the kiss. “Do you want to be next to Ali?“, he asks me and I shake my head before even thinking about it. And I’m glad, he doesn’t question it. That he just passes it off as me being too shy to touch a girl. 

So Louis stays in the middle and lies flat on his back, one hand holding Ali’s, the other slowly pulling me closer. “If you’re not okay with anything, tell me, yeah?“, he asks, gently tugging on my arm. He makes me straddle his lap and I can only stare at him and nod. 

“Okay.“

As always Louis wants to make sure to give both Ali and me the same amount of attention, so he pulls her closer to kiss her gently and I try not to look at them while his other hand moves to my hip and gently pushes me down, so our crotches meet, both a little swollen and hard. I bite back a gasp -  this is new and this is good. Being on top of Louis like that. His hand guides the movement of my hips and as soon as the fire hits me, I start to move as well, slowly grinding down on him. The feeling of his bulge against mine is incredible. I close my eyes so I don’t have to see them kiss and pretend I’m alone with him. My hand moves over his stomach and it’s so good, so _so_ good to be allowed to touch him like this. 

After a bit of grinding and a few thrusts I’m feeling far too close already. I’ve never felt something like this before and it’s more intense than I ever would have imagined. I make a small noise in the back of my throat and it makes Louis stop kissing Ali - he looks up at me. “Good?“, he asks and I nod, my curls falling into my face as Louis guides my hips, causing friction between our bodies. He lets one hand move over my bulge and grips it through my boxers and that’s literally all I can take. It happens without warning. I bite my tongue to not moan out loud when I come into my boxers. I feel hot. Hot and good because Louis caused this. 

“That was quick“, I hear Ali’s teasing voice and Louis shushes her, saying it was the first time I did something like this. He gives me a gentle smile that says _it’s okay_ and I wipe the sweat off my forehead. 

“You might wanna get out of those boxers“, he says, glancing down between my legs and then gently pulls me off of him. He makes it seem so normal, like it’s nothing. Like it’s okay that we did this and I think it really is. It is okay. 

I get up to undress and half-heartedly clean myself with the messy boxers and then rummage through Louis’ wardrobe to grab a new pair. I ignore the noises of them kissing behind my back as I pull Louis’ boxers up my thighs. When I turn around, I see Louis on top of her, their hands exploring their bodies and something inside me whispers _I want that, too_. 

I should probably be curiously watching them, or spying at least, maybe look at Ali’s now naked body but I don’t want to. For now I can pass it off as shyness so it’s okay. I busy myself finding a fresh shirt to sleep in and eventually hear their moans. It doesn’t take too long or maybe I’m drunk and lost any sense of time but when I turn around again, they’re done. Louis is naked, lying flat on his back while Ali gets up. 

“I’m fucking hungry“, she announces, sounding a little out of breath. “I’ll get some snacks.“ She throws on her dress and then leaves the room. It’s quiet then. Slowly I walk back to the bed to sit on it. We don’t say anything for a while, until Louis turns around and pokes my rips, making me laugh. 

“Hey“, he says with a tired smile. His eyes glow and there’s sweat on his skin. “You’re awfully quiet. Was it alright?“

I look at him, his heated face and messy hair. “Yeah“, I mumble. “I liked it.“

“Good“, he chuckles. “Next time you can try it with Ali. I know it takes some courage to do the first step and it’s a little strange cause you’re friends, but she’s really cool about it, I promise.“ He smiles at me. “It works pretty well, you know? Being friends and having sex I mean.“ 

I look at him and eventually say „okay“ because I don’t know what else to say.


	6. Chapter 6

Louis was right about it not being a big deal. The next day it’s like it never happened. Nothing changes between any of us and it’s not like we pretend it never happened or try to ignore it, it’s just that it really isn’t a problem. The only one hiding something and the only one thinking about it all the time is me and the fact that I feel more for Louis than I should is something I’m willing to hide for the rest of my life. Louis is still my best friend, my _brother_ and Ali is still just as lovely as always to me. 

She calls me the next day to check up on me. “Tell me all about it. Did you like it? Should we do it again? Maybe next weekend? There’s a birthday party, we should all go!“

She’s moving too fast for me and I stop her. “Ali, listen. I’m really thankful you’re so eager on helping me and I don’t regret what happened. But Louis expects me to want _you_ and not him. He’s gonna see through the lie.“

“He didn’t seem to mind though.“

“He’s gonna find out I like guys.“

“Oh come on, he didn’t seem so straight either last night.“ 

I roll my eyes. “He only did it to take care of me, no more. And I don’t know if I can take that risk. I don’t think we should do it again.“

Ali sighs slowly. She knows she can’t change my mind. “If you say so.“

 

At school I am no longer the guy who’s never been kissed and it does something to me. Changes something in me. I feel good, randomly smile when I think about it although the feeling in my chest and the butterflies inside my stomach do worry me a little. Thing is, I don’t want to fall deeper in love with Louis. If I do, it will torture me. Even now I catch myself wanting him more than I did before, now that I know what it’s like to be close to him. 

Louis picks me up from English class like usual and we go up to the roof where we sit during breaks, eat lunch and talk about our day. I tell him about the boring teacher, my head resting on his shoulder and he talks about some test he just had. 

I admire the fact that we still talk about random things like this, that we know what to tell the other in a way we know will make the story entertaining. The way we know what’s boring for the other or what catches their attention. 

I hope it stays like this forever. 

We share our lunch and talk until the bell rings and we get back downstairs to our next classes. 

 

///

 

Partying every weekend is something that slowly becomes normal. I’ve only done it for several months, ever since I turned sixteen but I’m loving it. I’ve grown used to the alcohol, too, although Louis still watches over me like he did when I had my first beer. 

“I just saw the _hottest_ guy“, Ali whispers excitedly and wriggles her eyebrows. “How about a foursome, boys?“, she asks in a silly, seductive way and Louis laughs. 

“If he’s up to it.“

Turns out he’s not. In fact he has a girlfriend and when Ali comes back to us she sighs deeply. “I hate getting dumped. I just want to get laid“, she murmurs. 

Louis looks from her to me and then bumps his elbow against me. “Harry could fuck you.“ 

Ali and I exchange that _look_ and she grins. “Yeah, or you could both do me.“ 

“Feeling adventurous tonight, huh?“, Louis teases. Ali takes us by the hand and I try to remind her that we agreed on _not_ doing it again but now that I’m drunk my brain doesn’t know what’s right or wrong and Ali seems to know what she’s up to. And I trust her, I really do. 

“Who needs that other guy when I have the fittest guys in the world with me?“, she smirks, entering one of the rooms. “This is Elena’s guest room, I’m sure it’s fine if we use it.“

“I think I’ve“, I say quietly, feeling a bit dizzy. “I think I’m kinda drunk.“ 

Louis pulls me in for a hug and ruffles my hair. “Awww“, he says. “I told you not to drink too much.“ He guides us towards the bed and I shriek when my legs give in and my back hits the mattress, Louis following. He falls on top of me and giggles drunkenly.

“You’re fucking heavy“, I groan, trying to push him off. 

“Watch your language, babe“, he teases. 

“I’m not your _babe_ “, I argue.  

Louis looks at my face with a challenging smirk, his eyes stopping on my lips for a second. Then he looks up at Ali. “So, you wanna get laid?“

“Oh you know, I could just watch you two on top of each other all night“, she says with a grin and collapses next to us. “It’s kinda sexy.“

“So we turn you on?“, Louis wants to know, grinning. 

“Don’t crush me, Lou“, I mumble and finally Louis moves a little just to straddle my stomach.

Ali smirks. “This position is even better. Now make out a little while I get undressed, will you?“ I think I love her in that moment. Louis snorts and looks at me. I give him a nod because I know he’d ask if I didn’t. Then he kisses me. 

I feel electricity everywhere, my mouth going slack beneath his lips. I can fell his grin when his tongue licks my lips and I immediately open my mouth, my heart beat increasing. I raise my arms to wrap them around his shoulders and try to kiss him the best I can when his tongue enters my mouth. I love the taste of it, I love the way Louis is grinning like he’s having fun and I love the feeling of his tongue on mine. My mouth and throat start to burn. 

After a while Louis takes my bottom lip between his teeth and I can’t help but moan a little, feeling the strong urge to get rid of all my clothing. I spread my legs automatically and when Louis grinds against me I think I’m a little too overwhelmed. Panting, I break the kiss to catch my breath. The feeling is so strong that I can feel tears in my eyes. I want him so much. 

“You’re such a horny teenager, Harry“, Louis mutters with a grin, kissing down my neck. I close my eyes, kinda hoping that Ali left the room although I know it’s selfish. I want it to be just me and Louis. But it’s not. 

“Let’s make Harry feel good“, I hear her voice somewhere and when I open my eyes she’s next to me. 

“I’m not gonna last very long“, I warn them, my chest tightening in excitement. 

“As I said, horny teenager.“ Louis gets off of me to lie next to me and my heart speeds up when they both start to undress me. Louis pushes my shirt up to my chest and Ali opens the button of my jeans. 

“Guys“, I start although I don’t know what to say. They both grin and I know I can trust them. They pull down my jeans and when Louis tugs down my boxers and the cold air hits my hot skin, I feel far too excited. 

I swallow hard. Ali’s hand is on my stomach and Louis pecks my shoulder, before moving down to my thighs. Their hands feel intense although they’re only touching my chest, stomach and thighs. 

I try not to freak out, instead close my eyes and decide to just trust them with my body. I’m aroused and I want release and I know they’re gonna make me feel good. And even if I’d rather be alone with Louis, I don’t mind Ali being here. I feel hands and lips on my stomach and can tell who is who by the dryness of Louis’ and the softness of Ali’s lips. I’m hard and start to tremble a bit in impatience. 

“Do you want to ride him or something?“, I hear Louis ask Ali and his words make me nervous. I don’t want that. 

“No“, she says. “We can save that for another time. Let’s just make him feel good.“

Louis hums and finally I feel a hand on my cock. I jump visibly, open my eyes to see Louis kneeling next to me, his hand slowly moving between my legs. I feel hot and dizzy, pushing my hips up into his hand. Louis looks at me and he’s about to ask if it’s okay but I interrupt him. 

“Faster, please“, I whisper and when Louis’ hand gets a little firmer and his strokes actually become faster, I didn’t expect it to feel like _that_. “Oh - I -“ I grip the sheets. “Wait, I’m -“ 

“My god, you’re so sensitive.“ Louis leans over me and I hear him laugh against my lips before he pecks me. “Concentrate on my lips“, he mumbles. “Don’t come just yet. Try to enjoy it for a while.“

I try - I try really hard. My body is on fire and his hand feels intense. I kiss him back, try to capture this moment for a little longer but then it’s just too much. With a moan, I come in Louis’ hand. He catches it all so I don’t mess up the sheets and strokes me through my orgasm. He pecks me once again, then pulls away and wipes his sticky hand on my stomach. I make a face and he laughs. 

“You good?“, he wants to know. 

“Yeah“, I say, a little out of breath. I stay like this, just stare at the ceiling while Louis gets the mess off his hands. Somewhere in the distance I can hear Ali say that she doesn’t need to be taken care of because she’s not in the mood anymore and I know she’s lying but I’m still relieved I don’t have to watch them fuck. I close my eyes and sigh deeply. It feels so good, being close to Louis. But how long can we keep this up until he realizes I'm not into girls? 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kinda short bc i'm really tired. btw: can one of you native speakers explain to me what the difference between "safe" and "save" is? i always get it wrong ...

“Next time we do it, you two should finally get something going“, Louis says, his mouth full of pasta as we sit in Ali’s room on the floor, eating lunch. “You know, Harry, girls really aren’t so different from guys. Nothing to be afraid of.“

I immediately lose my appetite. Before I have to come up with a reply, Ali saves me, as always. “Don’t pressure him, Lou. Maybe he just doesn’t think I’m attractive.“

Louis raises his eyebrows. “But you’re hot. Right, Harry? She’s hot, right?“

I clear my throat. “Uh … yeah.“

“See.“

“Thanks boys“, Ali smirks. Louis doesn’t push it further but I know it’s going to become a problem eventually. 

He won’t let me get through with this lie forever. I can’t be “too shy to touch girls“ forever. And maybe … Maybe I should just tell him the truth. I’m torn whenever I think about it. In my heart I know he’s not gonna feel any different about me but still there’s this tiny bit of doubt that tells me to shut up and hide it forever. 

 

The next time we get drunk and it happens, I can’t really relax. I try not go get into it as much as I did the last time, try not to focus on Louis so much because I feel like he’s going to find out if I do. And it’s harder than I thought. For the first time I don’t like it. It doesn’t feel good to be with them. 

Louis stops kissing Ali when he notices that all I do is lie there and watch. “You okay?“, he wants to know.

I bite my lip. “I guess I’m not really in the mood today.“ 

“That’s okay.“ 

“We could watch a movie instead“, Ali suggests.

“Yeah, totally.“

Louis gets his shirt back on and grabs his laptop and that’s that. We watch a movie, drink some more beer, eat some popcorn and I can’t help but wonder if they’d rather be having sex right now. It still turns out to be a nice evening though. It’s fun and nice and I almost forget about it. 

Until after the movie. I leave the room for a couple of minutes to use the toilet and when I come back, I regret it immediately. 

Louis is all over Ali. On top of her. I hear a moan in between kisses and see his hands all over her body and I’ve only been gone for like five minutes - did they wait for me to leave this whole time? Did they hold it back? 

I don’t want to be jealous because fuck, I agreed on this, it’s my own fault that I’m here with them, but still. I’m stupidly jealous. 

I swallow hard and walk over to the window to open it in an attempt to get some fresh air and cool down my head. I don’t realize how long I stand there but when I feel arms around me, hugging me from behind, I startle awake like hours passed.

Louis is fully dressed again, I can feel the fabric behind me. He puts his face against the back of my neck and says: “You’re very quiet.“ He sounds worried. “Talk to me, please?“

I turn around and when I look at him I know that I can’t lie. There’s no way I can hide it. “Where’s Ali?“, I ask when I realize we’re alone. 

“Shower.“

I nod, avoiding his eyes. 

„Hey … Harry. Please talk to me. Don’t avoid me, it’s not like you. Tell me what’s on your mind.“ He tries a smile and then comes closer to poke my nose with his.

I try to look up but his blue eyes are intense and I feel like they can see right through me. “I’m just - I’m not sure“, I say, can’t stop the words.

Louis angles his head and frowns. “Not sure about what? About what we did? Look, more important than anything in this world is our friendship, so if you feel strange doing these things with me, we can stop immediately.“ 

“It’s not that“, I say quickly. God, I wish it was just that. I take a deep breath. “I just think …“ I stop. _I think I’m jealous of Ali. I think I want to be with you even when she’s not around._ I don’t say it. Instead I say: “I think I don’t want to do these things with Ali.“ 

Louis looks at me for a long time. He doesn’t seem to get it but it’s obvious that he tries. After a while he says: “That’s fine. I thought she’s quite fit, so -“

“It’s not that. I just …“ I sigh and I really shouldn’t say it, or maybe I should but either way, I know it’s too late. I know there’s no way out now, other than the truth. “The thing is … she’s a girl.“

I stare at him. It doesn’t take long until realization hits his face. He understands. And he doesn’t step back or pull away from me, he just stays right there. “And you … you don’t like girls“, he finishes for me.

I nod and I don’t think I can keep the fear out of my voice. “Yeah.“ 

“You like boys.“ 

Again, I nod. 

Louis looks at me. His eyes move over my face for quite a while and I don’t know why I’m so scared. When he finally smiles, I feel more relieved than ever. “That’s okay, Harry.“ He pulls me to his chest. Doesn’t ask me why I didn’t tell him sooner, why I kept it a secret. He doesn’t blame or judge me, he understands and he accepts. 

 

Later, Ali and I meet in the bathroom and I tell her everything. “Yes!“, she whispers excitedly. “I think that's a great step! I mean, you don't have to fuck me now.“

"Thank god", I tease her. 

When we go to bed, Louis holds my hand, probably to make me feel safe and loved and to show me it's alright. I cuddle closer and mumble a "thank you." He squeezes my hand tighter and I just hope nothing changes between us.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: a messy blowjob + some gagging so if you hate that please skip it. also this might be something that will happen some more in future chapters

All my life I had thought it would ruin things. Me, being gay. Which was part of why I hated it. I wanted to be normal, I wanted to be just like other guys and I always felt like it was in the way. Like it was a problem. 

But now that I told Louis, it feels oddly good. It’s a week later and nothing has changed and it’s now that I slowly come to realize that maybe it’s not such a big deal after all. In fact, it’s so much easier now. I feel more relaxed, feel kinda good about myself even and Louis makes sure to show me on every possible occasion just how much he approves and just how much he still loves me. He picks me up from classes, shows up at my flat at random times, sends me texts about silly things and god, he’s so good at making me feel happy. Happy and light and free. 

When the weekend comes and we know we’re gonna get drunk again, I don’t know what’s gonna happen. If things will be different. But Louis is touchy as ever, holds both Ali and me close as we step outside the club. Our bodies are way too hot after dancing so much and we need to catch our breaths. “Today I’m in the middle, yeah?“, Louis says as soon as we’ve cooled down a little. “I mean, since you both like guys that’s the only option. I get all the attention.“ He smirks. 

“Sounds perfect“, Ali hums. 

Honestly, I didn’t expect it to be so easy. 

We crash at Louis’ place as always, spend the train ride telling jokes and drinking more beer. We hold hands, Louis in the middle and I feel good, feel so good with the way he treats me. I’m drunk and dizzy when we stumble up the stairs but since we’re all sort of holding onto each other I couldn’t fall even if I wanted to. 

Upstairs we go straight to his bedroom and while Louis and I get undressed, Ali puts on some music. 

“What’s it with you and music?“, Louis asks mockingly. 

She shrugs. “Dunno. I always feel like I’m in a movie when there’s background music.“

We laugh and I think I can kiss Louis, logically I’m allowed to but the thing about me being gay kinda makes me shy. I don’t want to be shy though. “Can I kiss you, Lou?“, I ask directly and he looks at me a little surprised, then grins. 

“Somebody’s impatient“, he murmurs, then comes close to me and wraps his arms around my shoulders, leaning in and kissing me softly. I feel electricity all over my body and melt into him without trouble. I wonder why we haven’t done these things ages ago. 

A while later things aren’t so romantic anymore. Louis is between us, just like he said and while I lean over him, kissing him, Ali is jerking him off. I feel Louis growing restless against me and when he moans into my mouth it’s probably the hottest thing I have ever seen. I pull away to look at him and our eyes meet. “Harry“, he says a little roughly. “If you wanna try and … like, touch a guy. Feel free to touch me.“ 

I glance down at his naked body, slight muscles and tanned skin. He’s rock hard. I catch Ali’s eyes and she smiles at me, pulling her hand away to leave him to me. I swallow hard. “Okay“, I mumble, slowly lean down to kiss his neck. I let my hands move over his biceps and can’t help but squeeze a little. Louis is a lot stronger than me and feeling it like this, my imagination goes wild. I imagine him holding me down with these strong arms. I stroke down his chest, along his belly button and then carefully wrap my fingers around his cock. He’s bigger than I thought and it’s not like I’ve never seen him hard before but feeling it is a lot different. I feel my body reacting, feel excitement grow in my belly. He’s pulsing slightly under my touch and when I realize I’m holding him like a total beginner, I start to move my hand just like I would with myself. 

He looks at me and just lets me do it. After a while he puts his hand over mine to guide it a little, just the way he wants to and I want to make him feel the best he ever felt but I know I can’t because I don’t have enough experience. 

Still, there’s this urge inside me. I want to make him feel good. I want to make him feel better than Ali ever could. It’s silly and stupid but I’m drunk and I want it, so I slowly move down to press a kiss to his thigh, making him twitch a little. With my head being so close to his crotch, a certain smells enters my nose and my head suddenly feels numb. Stroking his cock slowly, I lean down to drag my tongue over the base. 

“Harry!“ He sounds surprised, squeezing my hand and I quickly pull back. 

“Sorry, I- “

“No, I mean, you can try it out if you like.“

“I’ll get us some snacks“, I hear Ali say and then the sound of the door. I suddenly feel nervous - I’m alone with Louis and my hand is around his cock and - and that’s new. I stare at him and he stares back. 

“Only if you want to“, he says a little hoarsely.

And it's not like I'd ever say no to him. “Okay“, I breathe. I lick my lips in excitement, focus back on his crotch. He pulls his hands away to give me all the control and I slowly move my hand to the base of his cock, using my thumb to carefully rub the pink head. Louis is breathing heavily, lying completely still. Then I lean down and lick it. Carefully at first because the taste is weird and new and I want to get used to it. I hold my breath, then move my tongue over him, breathing hotly over his cock. 

“Fuck …“, Louis mutters when I suck the tip into my mouth. I’m not experienced with this, have never had a cock even near my mouth but it’s not like I’ve never seen porn: I know what you’re supposed to do. And I do just that, I do what I think would feel good. 

After a while of just licking, I feel Louis’ hands in my hair, not pushing down, just stroking my scalp. I look up through my eyelashes, seeing he has closed his eyes, his mouth slightly opened. I wanna make him feel something he won’t forget. I wanna make him moan and I wanna make him lose his mind over me. I wanna take care of him in a way nobody else ever did. I wanna be better. 

So I push my head down, take more of him him and suck on it. My fingers stroke what I can’t reach with my mouth and when Louis starts to pull on my hair, I start to sweat, suddenly really aroused. I push deeper, as deep as my gag reflex allows. When I feel it against my throat I stop and I feel hot and cold at the same time, making a short noise in the back of my throat. I don’t pull back though. 

“Harry, don’t hurt yourself“, I hear him say but I don’t really care. Instead, I start to bob my head, causing it to hit my throat each time and while it’s hard at first it gets a little easier each time. I can’t really breathe and it’s pretty exhausting but Louis is very very close so I keep going. He lets out a hot moan and it only motivates me to keep going. “I’m gonna - I’m gonna come inside your mouth if you don’t -“, he warns me and maybe it’s weird, maybe _I’m weird,_ but god, I want that. I could never be disgusted. I want to be everything for Louis. “Harry“, he warns again, putting both hands in my hair, gripping it, and when I don’t pull away he comes, his moans filling the room. He seems to lose control over something, suddenly pushes my head down slightly, making me gag a little. I taste him and it’s strange and a lot more than I thought. I concentrate on breathing through my nose until he relaxes beneath me, his body going slack. I pull off of him, feeling a little fucked and before I know what I’m doing I’m already swallowing it. I shudder at the taste and wipe my mouth. “You didn’t have to …“, Louis starts, then decides it doesn’t matter. He shakes his head and grins tiredly. “Don’t tell me that was your first time blowing a guy.“ 

I laugh, pretty much out of breath. “It was.“

“I bet you sneaked out behind my back all this time, got yourself some hot guys whenever I wasn’t looking.“ 

I roll my eyes and grin. “You know I would’ve told you if I had.“ My voice sounds fucked. 

“Yeah, you would“, Louis smiles and pulls on my arm, making me fall half on top of him. “You’re rock hard by the way.“

With that he grabs my cock and starts to stroke me, looking directly into my eyes. In a strange way I don’t feel embarrassed or shy. I think it’s okay, we can be friends and still do these things. He seems to read my thoughts when he says: “I’m glad this doesn’t change anything between us. Because if it would, I could never forgive us.“ His eyes are serious but he smiles, his hand never stopping. “Cause you and me, we’re important. Brothers until the end, remember?“

I smile at him, feeling very warm. “Yeah“, I say, then grin. “Although, don’t say brothers when you have your hand around me like this.“

Louis just snorts.

When Ali comes back with snacks (and honestly, I’m pretty sure she waited outside until she knew we were done because she wanted to give us some space), Louis and I sit on the bed, playing games on his phones. She smiles at us and Louis almost forgets about her and even thought it’s selfish I’m happy about it. Only when she joins us on the bed, offering us some sandwiches, he remembers. “Oh, did you want me to fuck you, Ali?“

I wish he’d ask me instead. Ali looks from him to me, then smiles and shakes her head. “Nah, I’m feeling kinda lazy tonight. Let’s just watch a movie.“

“Okay“, Louis says contently and the three of us get in a comfortable position. We fall asleep halfway through the movie.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!!! so i decided to just do whatever i want with this story and not break my head thinking about what u guys would like to read and how i can reach your expectations and stuff bc i usually do that and it kills my creativity lmao. hope you'll enjoy this story either way

As weeks turn into months and things stay the way they are, I believe I could live like this forever: being Louis’ very best friend until the day we die. I believe that this sexual part of it is a phase we go through until we’ll meet other people that catch our attention. Louis might meet a girl and who knows? For all I know I could fall head over heels with a guy I just haven’t met yet. 

The feelings I have for Louis will slowly fade and until then I’ll hide them, keep them safe in my chest, because I would never want us to be more than friends. Making Louis fall in love with me is not what I’m trying to achieve because I don’t want to lose him over this and I know, if I ever allow myself to feel too much I’ll start wanting more than just this. 

We only kiss when Ali is there. It’s all part of the threesome thing, something we do when we’re drunk enough and when the mood is right. Louis says he loves it because Ali and I focus on him and not on each other, meaning he gets all the attention. 

“You two are the fittest people in the world and I could never wish for more“, he says and sometimes, when he digs his fingers into my scalp or moans into my neck, it makes me feel incredible. A part of me feels objectified, less like a friend and more like a potential fuck, like someone he likes to be intimate with but sometimes that’s a good feeling. 

And sometimes things hurt, like when Ali and Louis fuck and I’m trying to occupy myself doing anything but watch them. I forget the pain afterwards when Louis cuddles close to me and tells me that he’s glad we’re best friends and when his hands on my back make me feel like nothing could ever come between us. 

But then there’s nights where I can’t help but feel a little bitter. 

Ever since I blew Louis for the first time it sort of became a habit. Louis’ drunken self likes to tell me over and over again how good I am at it and I love it, I love being good at something and making him feel these things. And although I sometimes wish we would kiss some more when he asks me to blow him, I gladly move down to sit between his legs and get my mouth on him. 

I try not to feel bad when he and Ali make out. When Louis has his hands all over her and his tongue in her mouth while I’m down there making him feel good. Honestly, I try not to get it to my head but when it happens more frequently, I can’t help but sometimes feel like Louis doesn’t want me there, doesn’t want to see me, just wants my hands and my mouth between his legs. 

It’s a silly thought but I’m always drunk when we do it and my head is never really clear and it makes it so easy for me to feel used. And in a way I understand it. I mean, he’s not gay. Seeing me won’t turn him on, it might even turn him off. 

I feel a little sick, listening to their kissing noises while Louis’ hands are tight in my curls and he’s pushing me a little because he knows I can take it. He’s not as careful with me as he used to be when things first started. Doesn’t ask three times whether or not I’m okay with it and I guess that’s just normal and I don’t want to complain, honestly, I kinda like it when he’s a little rough. If only I wouldn’t feel so left out sometimes. 

Afterwards when we cuddle his attention is back on me like usual. “You look so fucked“, he chuckles, moving his hands through my curls that he messed up earlier. His eyes are warm and it’s all about being friends again and he finally sees me again now that he no longer needs to get off. 

I smile and hide my face in his neck. I guess it has to be like this. When one is straight and the other is not. It has to hurt a little. I just wish it wouldn’t. 

 

//

 

It’s friday night a few weeks later when Ali is sick. She’d been sick all week and although she really wanted to go out tonight, she’s not feeling better yet. 

Louis and I attend a mutual friend’s birthday party and it’s all good and friendly and just like it was before we met Ali. We chat with friends, drink beer and just enjoy the evening. Louis watches my drinking as always, makes sure I never get lost in the crowd, never allows me to get bored and fixes my fringe whenever he feels the need to. 

When we join one of Louis’ friends outside and the guy offers me a cigarette, I don’t have the slightest chance to reply. “He doesn’t smoke, Sam“, Louis says sharply. 

“Okay, chill bro.“ Sam sounds a little annoyed. Louis just rolls his eyes and I give him a smile. I could never get annoyed with him being so overly protective. 

Later we walk to his house as always, not wanting my mum to know I got drunk. The fresh air feels good and so does Louis’ hand around mine. “I feel nicely drunk“, he tells me. “You know? When there’s just the right amount of alcohol. Not too much. But enough.“ 

“Same“, I agree. “My head feels like it’s nuzzled into a soft warm bed.“

He snorts. “Yeah, exactly.“ 

We’re quiet to not wake up his parents and brush our teeth, making silly faces in the mirror before we slip under the blanket. It’s the first time in a long while that we got drunk without Ali. And it’s been a while since we got drunk without getting sexual. 

I know Louis thinks about it too because he keeps looking at me like he wants to say something. Finally he puts his phone away and turns on the night lamp. “Harry?“

“Yes?“, I say, wide awake. 

“Can we talk about the thing?“

“Okay.“ I shift a little so I’m facing him.

Louis’ eyes move over my face for a while before he speaks. “Do you think it could ruin something? Like, are you ever scared?“, he asks, then clears his throat. “I was thinking … what if we get into a fight with Ali. Because you know, that might happen. Friends fight. Friends unfriend. Expect you and me. She might start feeling like the third wheel - I mean, she probably is the third wheel. Because you and I, we’d always choose each other over anyone, wouldn’t we?“

“We would“, I agree, smiling a little. 

“Anyway, if we ever fight with Ali - not now, maybe in a year or so. And if she leaves - do you think it’ll be the same between us?“

I think about it for a long time. Honestly, I never thought about that. Eventually I say: “I think that as long as we stay honest and talk about everything, nothing will change. Or maybe it will but not in a bad way. It’ll be okay. We’ll stay friends as long as we’re Harry and Louis.“ 

Louis smiles and his hand finds mine under the blanket. “Good. That’s just what I wanted you to say.“ He grins and I snort. 

“Why?“

“Because I want us to talk about everything. And I want you to be honest. Now Harry, tell me. Are you attracted to me?“

He looks at me, warm eyes and I feel heat in my cheeks. My heartbeat is wild in my chest and my throat feels a little tighter. “What makes you think that?“, I want to know.

“Hmm“, he hums, shifting a little closer and putting his forehead against mine. “Don’t avoid the question. Honesty over everything. Do you think I’m fit?“

I clear my throat. “Y - yeah. Of course I do.“ 

“Do you like what we do? What we do with each other?“

“I do.“

“Are you attracted to me?“

I swallow. “Yeah … I guess.“

“And do you think our friendship is still the same?“

“Yeah“, I say and it’s true. Nothing has changed. 

“Good“, Louis smiles. “Cause I think that, too. And I think as long as it’s like this, nothing can harm us.“

I nod and we look at each other and I know we both believe it’s true. We’re quiet for a while. Honesty has always been so important to Louis and I wonder if he was mad at me for not telling him I was gay. I wonder if he knows I’m hiding things from him. “Lou?“, I say after a while. “Can I ask you something?“

“Anything“, he says easily, playing with my fingers. 

“Does the fact I’m a guy bother you?“, I ask quietly. “I mean - not as a friend. But at night. When we … do stuff.“

He makes a funny face like it’s a silly question. “Of course not. I wouldn’t let it happen if it did.“

I want to explain to him how I feel whenever he chooses to kiss Ali and pushes my head between his legs but I don’t want to make him feel guilty or uncomfortable. I wonder if he even knows he does it. If he ever thinks about it. And I don’t know how to explain it. 

“What?“, Louis asks, noticing the frown on my face.

“I just.“ I sigh, searching for words. _Honesty_ , I remind myself. “I feel like … lately you’ve started to … not look at me when we do things. Like when I touch you, you’re looking at Ali. Or kissing her. So it got me thinking … are you trying to pretend I’m not there, or like - are you trying to imagine I’m … not a guy? Does it turn you off?“

When I see the frown on Louis’ face I feel like I’ve said too much. He pulls his head away to look at me directly. He doesn’t reply. I wait for an answer but he’s taking his time and god, I wish I could read his thoughts. Finally he forms a reply and it’s obvious he’s trying to really say what he thinks. “If what you say is true then I haven’t noticed it“, he starts slowly. “I mean, I’m not gay and it makes sense. But then again, I’m not disgusted with you. Or your body. You don’t turn me off, Harry, don’t ever think that.“ He reaches up to ruffle my hair. “You probably don’t turn me on the way I turn you on“, he adds cheekily and I can’t help but grin. 

“So you’re not trying to avoid me or anything?“

“Hell, no.“ He leans in and pecks my lips just like that. It’s firm but very short. “See?“, he says, pulling back and looking directly at my face. “I’m perfectly aware you’re a boy. It’s no big deal to me.“ 

I feel a little relieved although Louis’ words don’t quite fit his past actions. But I can ignore that fact when he smiles at me like this. “That’s good“, I say and Louis pulls me closer. 

“Anything else you wanna say?“

“I think that’s all.“

He hums tiredly. “Sleep?“

I nod against his collarbone and he turns the lights off. 


	10. Chapter 10

Summer comes quickly and the days grow longer. School turns into something even more annoying than usual. Every day is just full of waiting for the bell to release us outside into the sunshine. Louis and I run over the green green grass. “Whoever reaches the shop first has to pay“, he shouts and I speed up, laughing along. My legs are longer than his but he’s fitter than me so we reach the door of the shop pretty much at the same time. 

“I was first“, Louis says and I groan because I knew he’d say that. 

“No you weren’t“, I decide. “We share the money.“

He rolls his eyes but then agrees. We buy cold drinks and ice, Louis drops some coins and I laugh at him. When we walk over to a park nearby, sit on a bench and talk about life and school and games and about everything than comes to our minds, I wish the summer would never end.

 

//  


The days are longer now and even at night it stays warm outside. The parties are usually outside now and end in the early morning hours, when the sun is already peeking through trees and birds start singing their songs. 

Ever since I told Louis that I felt like he was avoiding me during the nights with Ali, he made sure to pay extra attention to me and it’s honestly more than I could’ve wished for: he kisses me more, has his eyes on me when I blow him and it’s the most incredible feeling in the world. Sometimes when he and Ali are feeling each other up and I’m starting to feel awkward, he pulls me close to kiss me some more and I love having him moan and pant into my mouth, love his hands in my hair. 

Sometimes I catch myself wanting to kiss him during daytime as well and I know I have to be careful, not to let that thought sink in too deep. Whenever Ali and I talk about it, she just tells me to go for it. She even says I should try to actually _sleep_ with him. “I know you want to“, she says. “I can see it from the way you look at him. And honestly, I don’t think he’d mind. I mean, we agreed on _threesomes_ , of course there’d be actual … _intercourse_. Just fuck him!“

I shake my head, honestly doubting her words. “He wouldn’t want to get fucked. What straight guy would like that? I mean, being _penetrated_ like this, it’s … I don’t know. I can’t imagine that.“

“Well then ask him to fuck you. Or don’t even ask. Just ride him or something.“

The thought gets me exited but I know I can’t just do that. Touching is one thing but actually going all the way … I feel like that would overstep a line. We change the topic and when Ali asks me whether I’m okay with Louis and her fucking or not I lie to her, saying I don’t mind. 

Whenever they do fuck though I feel a little stabbed and always excuse myself, saying I need to use the bathroom or get some snacks. I manage not to get too depressed over it. Especially during the week when we’re all about school and summer I don’t even think about it. Only on Friday or Sunday nights when they’re at it and Louis is too drunk to notice my strange behavior, is when I allow the pain. 

 

In July Ali turns 18 and they’re both allowed to go to different clubs now. They start talking about it and Louis makes sure not to show his excitement too much because he doesn’t want me to feel left out since I’m not nearly old enough to join them. 

Until one night he comes up to me to ask me the question I knew would eventually come. “There’s a party on Saturday and Ali and I wanted to go there. Just to try it out … it’s in this club that my friend told me about, you know? Ali really wanted to see it so … would that be okay? If we go without you?“ He looks at me with such serious eyes that I know he wouldn’t mind if I said no, because me being comfortable is much more important than any party. 

But I would never say no. “Yeah sure. I wanted to study anyway“, I smile. 

On Friday night I lay awake, wondering what grown up parties are like and whether Louis and Ali are touching right now, fucking maybe. I try not to get jealous or lonely or sad but the more I think about it the more it bugs me. It stings in my chest and I know it’s silly because it’s just one damn party that I’m not allowed to and honestly, they’ve fucked before without me being there, it’s not like this is any different. 

But I’m jealous. Stupidly so. 

 

It doesn’t happen a lot after that but it happens sometimes. Louis asks me every single time if I’m okay with it. “I don’t have to go. We can hang out tonight if you want“ and I always decline, saying I wouldn’t mind. 

One night, it’s another Friday, I crash at his place because we were studying all day for a test than he’s helping me with. Ali comes at 9 and we see a movie together before they get ready to go to yet another club party. 

Louis pecks my cheek good night and tells me not to wait up but I can’t sleep. I try to keep myself busy, try to study some more but I can’t really focus. And it’s my own fault, really: if I feel left out, I should tell them. It’s the reason Louis always asks me, because he doesn’t want me to feel this way. Honesty has always been so important to him. 

I want to break something to get the pain out of my chest but remain quiet. At 2 or so I finally turn the lights off and get under the blanket. I fall into a light sleep, drift off every few minutes just to wake up again. 

At some point, hours later, I hear the sound of the key. It should be around 4 or 5 now. I hear them giggling in the hallway, then steps coming closer. I can hear the sound of them kissing before I see them and I hold my breath as they stumble through the door. 

“Hey“, I say quietly to let them know I’m awake and immediately Louis collapses next to me, smelling of strong alcohol. 

“Hey babe, stayed up for us?“, he asks in a seductive way and I want to tell him I’m not in the mood and that I’m very very sober right now but he’s too drunk to notice my discomfort. Ali collapses on top of him and they laugh too loud, while they get undressed. Louis leans over me to kiss me before I can say something and I blink quickly, feeling his heated tongue trying to enter my mouth. He tastes of vodka and cigarettes.

“Lou, come on“, I hear Ali say and she sounds even more drunk than him.

“Yeah … just one sec“, he grins into my mouth, kisses me hard for another couple of seconds just enough to get my heart racing before pulling away. I’m wide awake now and I had hoped he wouldn’t let go of me but next thing I know is Ali straddling him and both of them moaning and I close my eyes so I don’t have to watch. 

They’re too close to me and I feel like I can’t move. I hear the sound of fabric, then the bed squeaking and their moans filling the room. 

It's the most uncomfortable I've been and I try to pretend I’m not even here, wait it through for what feels like hours. After some time they both collapse next to me, sighing and laughing quietly. 

I still have my eyes squeezed shut when Louis pecks me again, mumbling: “I think he fell asleep.“

They get comfortable next to me and it’s not long until their light snoring tells me they fell asleep. I'm wide awake though, unable to even think about sleeping.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, it’s been almost 2 years but i’d been thinking about this story lately and how much i liked the idea and i do kinda wanna try updating again. i can’t promise anything so let’s just see how it goes. tysm for reading and i’m so so so sorry!! also this is kinda short but i try posting another chapter later today

“I’m sorry about yesterday", Ali says after breakfast when Louis got up to take a shower. “I didn't want you to see it. We both drank a bit too much." 

"It's fine", I lie, feeling worn out and a little depressed.

Louis apologises too, for being so loud and reckless and again I say it's fine. It’s not like I could ever explain to him, why it bothers me, or _what_ bothers me. The only thing I could reasonably be mad about is that they disturbed my sleep – and that’s definitely not the problem. _I can’t stand seeing you two fuck._ That’s almost like: _I’m in love with you, please don’t ever sleep with other people._ And that’s something I can’t say, not if I want things to stay the way they are. 

 

///

 

With wild parties come harder drugs. Louis tries weed and a few other things, telling me all about it while we sit crossed-legged on the roof of the school on Monday morning. “It’s good but nothing I'd do on a regular bases. When you're 18 we can try." 

"We could try already", I suggest, looking at him. His eyes are very bright in the sun and I feel the stupid need to try everything he tries. In a way it’s like it was a couple of years ago, when he tried sex for the first time and told me about it, and I’d sit and listen and soak in every single detail. "I don't think it would be a problem." 

"Nah", Louis says, shaking his head. He doesn't want me to get in contact with anything bad, anything that could harm me and that’s how it’s always been. "We don't have to rush this." 

 

As bothering as it is to have them go to parties without me, Louis wouldn’t be Louis if he forgot about me. He’s not the type of person who’d find new, cool things and then forget all about the old things he used to like. The next weekend we go to a bar I'm allowed in and Ali and him are just as enthusiastic as ever. We sit at a table and drink beer. “What do you think about the guy over there?“, Louis asks, pointing his finger at a dark haired boy around my age, standing at the bar. 

I shrug. “Dunno.“

“Don’t look so unimpressed“, he laughs. “He’s your type, isn’t he?“

“I guess.“

“How’d you know what his type is?“, Ali asks, obviously trying to safe me from this conversation.

“Well, since Harry said he’s attracted to _me_ , I know what type of guys he likes.“

Ali raises her eyebrows at me, her face asking: _How much did you tell him?_ and I shake my head, saying _he doesn’t know._ Louis watches our little silent conversation. “What?“, he asks. 

“So you think the guy over there looks like you?“, Ali muses, looking back and forth. 

Louis ignores her and looks at me. “I’m just saying that if you ever saw someone you liked, I wouldn’t want you to chose the wrong guy.“ 

“The wrong guy?“, I ask. 

“As like, a bad guy. A guy that would hurt you or push you into things you’re not ready to do.“ 

I smile because he’s being protective again while Ali just groans. 

“Don’t be such a mum!“, she says and when she sees my smile she rolls her eyes. “Look what you’re doing to him, Lou. I think he _genuinely enjoys_ being treated like a child.“

I blush. “I don’t! But it’s a good thing, Louis cares for me, isn’t it?“ 

“Yes, it is“, Louis says before Ali can say anything. “And I’m not saying, he should never meet a guy, I just want him to meet the _right_ guy, okay?“ 

They start a discussion over how Louis can’t judge whether or not a guy is right for me and that I should choose for myself while I watch them, silently drinking my beer. If I ever met another guy, it would be a good thing for all of us. Ali and Louis could go back to how they were and I wouldn’t have to feel left out. I would have a person that I didn’t have to share with anyone. And this thing … wouldn’t have to keep standing between us. For a moment I wonder if this is what Louis wants. If he wants me to go and get a boyfriend, so that he doesn’t have to put up with me anymore. Because even if he says he doesn’t mind me being there at night, he’s not gay and being sexual with someone you’re not attractive to can’t be enjoyable forever, can it? 

 

I forget those thoughts later, when we’ve moved to a club and danced until our clothes stuck to our bodies. When Louis kisses me on the train back home, I forget why I even worried. It’s not a long kiss, just a peck, then he leans over me to peck Ali’s mouth just like that. “I never tell you how much I appreciate you guys“, he says. 

“You do, all the time“, Ali mumbles, not looking up from her phone and not even slightly caring about the fact that Louis just kissed her, while I stare at him with wide eyes, secretly begging for more. 

Louis notices my look. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?“ 

“Um … there’s an eyelash on your cheek“, I say because it’s the first thing that comes to my mind and Ali looks up, sees that there’s obviously not an eyelash and gives me a look that I ignore. 

“Really?“, Louis frowns and I touch his cheek, pretending to wipe it away. “Oi, I wanted to make a wish!“

“Sorry, I think I dropped it.“ 

“Tsk …“ Louis looks at me and lets his hand move through my hair and down the back of my neck. “By the way, I’ve noticed a while ago. You’re getting better at kissing!“ 

I feel the heat in my cheeks. “Oh … thanks?“

“I taught you well.“ He grins, looking pleased with himself, then he looks up as if to check that the train is still empty (except for an older woman facing the other direction) before kissing me again, open mouthed and slow. My heart flutters. It’s so easy when we’re drunk, so so _so_ easy, why can’t it always be like this? 

“Get a room“, Ali teases with an obvious grin on her face, one that tells me that she’s happy for me because she knows how much it means to me.

“Don’t be jealous“, Louis mumbles into my mouth, before licking inside it and gripping my waist with his hand. He says it to Ali when it’s actually me that’s always jealous but I don’t say anything. “But look how good you are at this, Harry“, he breathes, grinning, and breaking the kiss just to look at me. His thumb runs over my button lip and I watch his gaze move from my lips up to my eyes. “I swear, if I was gay, I’d be totally into you.“ 

A mixture of butterflies and bitterness crawls up my insides and I manage to laugh it off. Instead of giving him a reply, I lean in and kiss him again. 

 

Later in bed I stare into his blue eyes and try to only focus on Louis’ hands to ignore the fact that Ali is riding him. He’s staring right back at me and it’s strange, looking into the same blue eyes I’ve known for ages while he’s stroking me and sending pleasure through my body. When he starts moaning I pretend it’s because of me and that way it’s bearable. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the rlly short scenes, i kinda need some time to get back into it (like i didn't write short scenes before whoops). also i didnt think anyone would remember this story, thank you so much<3

On Sunday we lie in the grass in the shadow of a tree because it's too hot in the sun. As my head rests on Louis’ lap and his fingers run over my scalp, I wonder if we look like boyfriends. Louis doesn’t mind it, he’s never minded what other people would say about us. Not now and not five years ago when he had a phase of taking his protectiveness too far and wouldn’t let me cross a street without holding his hand. I smile to myself. 

“Harry?“, he mumbles tiredly.

“Hm?“

“I tried some weed again last night.“

I hum to let him know I'm listening.

“This guy who sold it to me, he was talking about pills, too. He said there’s one I should try during sex. That it feels amazing and stuff.“ 

I blink my eyes open and move my head so I can look at him. “Are you gonna try it?“

Louis shrugs. “Maybe. Not now but maybe in a few months. I haven’t asked Ali yet but I wanted your opinion, so … do you think it’s okay if I tried it?“ 

I blink at him. I don't know if it’s okay. I don't know anything about drugs. He’s the one talking me out of stuff like this, he’s the older one. “I guess. As long as it doesn’t become a habit“, I say. 

Louis smiles at me. "Thanks H. For always supporting me." 

“Yeah.“ I laugh. “I’d probably still support you if you turned into a drug addict.“ 

“I take your word“, he grins, ruffling my hair. If it was night and if we were drunk, we’d probably share a kiss now. 

 

///

 

“You know what I think?“, Ali asks, looking back and forth between Louis and me as we sit on the couch in Louis’ living room.

“Hm?“, Louis asks, occupied with getting knots out of my hair. It’s always extra curly and crazy when it gets wet from the rain. “Jeez, what did you do there, H?“

“It’s not my fault, it’s because of the rain!“, I protest. “You’re hurting me, just leave it.“

Louis mumbles something like “can’t have you running around like this“ while Ali clears her throat. “So, what I was thinking“, she tries again and this time I look up to let her know I’m listening. “Is that Harry is never going to get a boyfriend and it’s your fault, Louis.“

I frown at her, trying to find out what she’s up to but as always I trust her. “How is that my fault?“, Louis asks, his fingers buried inside the tangled mess that is my hair. 

“It’s because you won’t leave Harry out of your sight and you won’t let him go out on his own.“ 

“He’s _sixteen_.“

“You’re saying that sixteen year olds can’t go out alone?“

“I’m saying that sixteen year olds sometimes make stupid decisions and it’s good if someone watches over him.“

I clear my throat. “I’m right here, guys.“

“I think you’re just scared that he’ll find some guy and forget about you.“

“I wouldn’t forget about him“, I say truthfully. 

“I know, I know“, Ali agrees. “But Louis is scared of it. Right, Lou?“ 

Louis sighs and finally lets go of my curls. He always gives up sooner or later. “Of course I don’t want Harry to forget about me“, he says, scooting over to grab some snacks from the table. “But I want him to be happy. So naturally, I want him to be in a happy relationship. With a nice guy and not just _any_ guy.“ He looks from me to Ali. “Chocolate, anyone?“ 

 

A while later when he’s on the toilet I ask Ali what it was all about and she looks at me with serious eyes. “Tell me if I’m being annoying. Honestly, I don’t want to intrude in … whatever you and Louis have.“

I shake my head. “It’s not annoying. I was just wondering why you brought it up. Do you think I should find someone new and forget about him? I mean, I get it since it’s absolutely hopeless, but –“

“No, it’s not that at all!“ She smiles and moves closer to speak quietly. “It’s the opposite, really. I’m serious when I say that Louis doesn’t want you to have a boyfriend. He talks about it all the damn time.“ 

I raise my brows. “What?“

She glances to the door to check Louis isn’t quietly standing there. “I don’t think he realises just how much he talks about it. Ever since you told him you’re gay he just seems to … be thinking about you with boys and stuff. And he just keeps saying that he doesn’t want you to get hurt or treated badly.“ 

I shrug. “Well, yeah, he cares for me.“

“I don’t think it’s just that“, Ali says. “He’s like … obsessed with the idea of keeping you safe, or so he tells himself. But really he just doesn’t want to share you with another guy.“ 

“Even if that’s true“, I mumble. “It’s kinda normal, isn’t it? I mean, it’s always hard when your best friend starts meeting new people. It would be hard on him if I didn’t have as much time, if we couldn’t meet as often …“

Ali shakes her head. “Why so pessimistic, Styles?“

I smile sadly. “Because if I allowed myself to hope, it would kill me.“ I shake my head. “And either way. I don’t want this to turn into anything more than it is right now. I’m not hoping for him to return my feelings. I don’t want to be his boyfriend – I want to be his _best_ friend. So … whatever you’re making up in your head, it’s pointless.“ 

Ali’s dark eyes watch me closely for a while, before she sighs with a smile. “You can’t be serious when you say you’re not hoping for him to return your feelings.“ 

“No“, I admit. “But I’m serious about not wanting to risk our friendship.“ 

We hear steps in the hallway, then Louis stands in the doorway and looks at us curiously. “Why is it that everytime I leave the room you two put your faces together and start whispering?“ He raises an eyebrow. “What’s so important to discuss?“ 

“Boys“, Ali shoots without even having to think about it. “We were talking about hot actors. You wanna join the conversation?“ 

Louis wants to, mainly because he’s still trying to find out what type of guys I like and we start discussing until we get bored of it and change the subject. I look at Louis while he speaks, wondering if he ever senses that I’m hiding something from him. There must be moments when he feels I’m not telling the truth, even if it’s just him coming back from the toilet and finding Ali and me whispering. And even if he shrugs it off like right now, I wonder if he notices the short moment of hesitance in the air, whenever he asks what we’re talking about. And knowing how important honesty is to him, I wonder just how much it bothers him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm still here!! also there's another chapter going up today i just need to edit it

Whenever the day turns into night Louis and I change. All it takes is a bit of alcohol and Ali’s presence somewhere in the flat. Because if Ali is around, we can label it as a _thing, the three of us do_. Then it’s okay to kiss. It’s okay to touch thighs or hold hands. It’s okay to get undressed. 

Louis and I had spent the whole day together playing fifa, eating junk food and talking about whatever came to our minds, just two best friends hanging out together, chilling at home. “Can we switch controllers?“, I asked and Louis rolled his eyes at me, saying: “It’s not the controller’s fault you suck at this game.“ Then Ali came over and brought alcohol, which didn’t stop us from playing fifa, not until the beer made us feel dizzy enough. And now it’s nothing like it was ten minutes ago because now I’m spread out on the floor, the controller somewhere at my feet and Louis’ hand moving under my shirt while he’s kissing down my jaw. I’m not quite sure how it always happens so fast, how the mood changes so smoothly without me noticing it. I stare at the ceiling, my hand tight on the back of Louis’ neck.

“What do you wanna listen to?“, Ali asks from somewhere near the couch. 

Louis groans against my neck. “Just come over here and join us. Who cares about the music? Can’t we just enjoy the silence?“ 

I open my mouth and gasp when Louis’ fingers move over my nipples. 

“The silence _and_ Harry’s sweet sweet moans“, Louis adds a little sarcastically, which makes Ali laugh. I manage to glare at him and he grins, his hand moving south to tickle me and I start screaming. We roll around, I’m on top of him for a second and next thing I know is he’s pinning me down again, grinning. “I’m stronger than you. You should know that by now.“ 

I love the feeling of his hands on my wrists, the way he’s kneeling on top of me, looking down at me and I get distracted by the way his hair falls into his face and his biceps tenses from the way he’s holding me down. I don’t realise just how much I stare at him, or just how obvious the fascination is on my face, not until Louis’ grin widens and he raises his eyebrows. “Are you getting off to this?“, he asks curiously. 

“What?“

He moves his knee to bluntly push against my crotch and I feel the heat in my cheeks. “You know what? It makes sense now!“ He seems to be absolutely enjoying this while I’m completely embarrassed. “The way I always caught you with a boner! I used to think it was just your age but it was because of me all along!“

“Oh shut up.“ I squirm, trying to get away. 

“Did it make you hard when we were cuddling? Admit it, Harry. It’s because you’re gay, right? Because you’re attracted to me!“

“Don’t be so fucking full of yourself, Louis“, I hear Ali say who has finally picked a playlist on spotify and turns up the volume. 

“Right“, I say, “Don’t be so fucking –“ His knee rubs against my crotch over the jeans and I fight back a moan. “I hate you“, I breathe. 

He keeps teasing me but only as much as I can take. When my face turns red and I can’t suppress the moans, his face softens. He lets go of my wrists and lies down next to me, gently pushes his hand past my waistband and starts jerking me off. It’s simple, it’s quick, and I allow myself to stare at him all through it. A while later I’m on my stomach, playing fifa against myself, while Ali and Louis giggle somewhere behind me. It’s fine as long as I don’t have to see it. It’s all fine. 

 

Just how things change as soon as the sun goes down, it’s the same in the morning, when the light finds its way through the window. We might be naked. The remains of the night might still stuck to our bodies. Our limbs might still be entangled. It doesn’t matter. As the morning comes, we’re just friends again. 

 

///

 

“If he’s so straight, then why does he make out with you like that?“ Ali looks at me during breakfast, her bare feet pulled up on the chair, a sandwich in her mouth. “I mean, for real. What straight guy is _that_ comfortable making out with his best friend?“ 

I sip on Louis’ coffee that he had left on the table before he went to take a shower, just a tiny sip, so he won’t notice, and look back at Ali, unimpressed. “A guy who’s comfortable with his sexuality“, I reply, my voice calm. “A guy who’s not scared of suddenly turning gay because he knows he won’t ever feel that way about boys.“ 

Ali shakes her head, but says nothing.

 

///

 

“That one?“, Louis asks, pointing to a group of guys sitting in the cafeteria next to us. I follow his gaze. 

“Which one exactly do you mean?“

“I don’t know. All of them.“ 

I laugh and roll my eyes. His obsession with finding out who my type is, hasn’t changed a bit. “Don’t say _that one_ , when you’re talking about _all of them_.“ 

He scoffs. “You’re changing the subject.“

“I’m not.“

“Then answer me.“

I roll my eyes again and try to look at the boys, try to _really_ look at them to give him an honest reply. But with Louis sitting right in front of me it’s hard not to compare. None of them are like Louis. I sigh. “I don’t know. Maybe the one with the black hair. If anyone at all.“

He groans. “How can you say you’re gay but not find anyone attractive?“ I look at him and realise just how obvious it is, just how easily he could combine the puzzle pieces because _he knows_ I’m attracted to him and _he knows_ there’s nobody else I’m attracted to. It’s so damn obvious.

“Are you coming over to mine later?“, I ask to change the subject. 

“Am I not coming over every Friday?“, he asks with a grin, then suddenly remembers something. “Oh wait, I forgot. There’s this thing at a club tonight, so I might be a little late.“ 

“Okay, sure“, I say, knowing I’ll wait up the whole night.


	14. Chapter 14

When Louis gets home at 3:02 in the morning I wake up from a light sleep. He smells of weed, alcohol and cigarettes and instead of trying to be quiet like usual, he seems to be in a really talkative mood. “Oh good, you’re awake“, he says when I turn around to look at him. “Can I turn the light on? I’m trying to find my charger.“ 

“Sure“, I mumble and blink, when the room gets bright. Louis clumsily looks through the piles on the floor and eventually finds his charger next to the bed where it always is. 

He plugs in his phone, sighs and then gets into bed with me. “It was _wild_ “, he begins. “The music they were playing was amazing. You would have loved so many songs, I made a note on my phone so I could remember the titles.“

I grin, imagining him at a party, wildly typing on his phone names of the songs just so he can show them to me later. “Okay“, I say. 

“And there were so many boys that you would have liked! Honestly, I wish you would have been there with me. Grow up a little faster, will you?“ 

I chuckle. "Two more years." 

"That's such a long time", he sighs. He cuddles close to me and puts his hand on my waist. There’s a smile on his face and his eyes look very awake. “There was a gay guy I was talking to and I told him about you – don’t worry, I didn’t spill your name. But he told me about his first experiences with guys and stuff.“ 

I raise my brows, unsure of what to think about that. “So?“

“So …“ Louis shrugs. “I don’t know. I just wonder if you’d be ready for that. Like, do you think you would be prepared to do it?“

“Do what?“

“Sex with a guy. You know, the _real_ thing.“ 

I blush and roll my eyes. “There’s no chance it’s going to happen any time soon, so there’s no point talking about it.“

He grins. “Yeah, you’re right. You’re way too young anyways.“ He ruffles my hair like I’m a child. “But“, then he looks a little more serious, “I don’t want you to be overwhelmed or confused when it happens. I want you to be prepared and I want you to know what you’re doing, you know? I honestly can’t stand the thought of any guy taking advantage of you or talking you into things you don’t want.“ 

I watch his face and I feel the familiar warmth inside of my chest, that wonderful feeling when you know there’s somebody out there who worries about you and cares for you. “Don’t worry“, I say as reassuringly as possible. “I would’t just do it with anyone.“

He nods. “Good.“ He tugs a piece of hair behind my ear and looks at me. Then, out of nowhere, he asks: “You do watch porn though, right? Like, for research?“ 

I raise my brows and laugh. “What? We’ve watched porn plenty of times together, remember?“

“Yeah, but that’s different, I mean _gay_ porn. Do you watch it?“

“Um … not really, no.“

“Why not?“

I shrug. “It’s not realistic.“ 

“Where is your laptop?“

I groan and rub my eyes. “I’m tired, Louis.“

“Come on, it’s only fair. The last time we watched porn together I still thought you were straight.“ 

As he climbs out of bed to get my laptop, I try to remember all the times we watched porn together. The first time was for scientistic purpose, when we were just kids and trying to understand the hype about it. Then, when Louis started getting interested in girls, we watched some videos to help him _prepare_ for it. But either way, there was always a reason for it. We always watched it for some purpose, even if that purpose was just to laugh about the stupid dirty talk or find out whether there was more porn with brunettes or blondes out there. So naturally, there needs to be a purpose now, too. “Why are we doing this again?“, I ask. 

“Plenty of reasons“, he replies easily. “First of all so you know what you’re getting yourself into.“ I scoff. Like porn videos would show _anything_ realistic. Louis comes back to bed, opens my laptop and clicks on private surf mode. I don’t even try to argue. Louis is not only drunk but also high and honestly, even if he was sober he probably couldn’t be stopped. 

I watch as Louis types _gay porn_ into Google and then clicks on the first link. “Remember when I had sex for the first time? We spend the whole morning before watching these stupid videos.“

“Yeah, like they were any help.“ 

He grins. “You’re right. They’re shit.“ He changes his search from _gay porn_ to _realistic gay porn_. Then he scrolls through the page and clicks on a random video. 

I sigh, put my head on his shoulder to see better and then just let it happen. It’s quiet in the room. The only sounds come from the guys in the video. They’re doing some forced small talk and weird flirting. Out of nowhere one of them decides it would be a good idea to get undressed. Louis chuckles next to me. “Smooth.“ 

It’s not awkward to watch these things with Louis. Not even when they get naked and start making out, feeling each other up. It’s not weird. We’ve watched these things before, the only difference now is that there are two guys on the screen and no women. “Any of them your type?“, Louis wants to know. 

“Nope“, I say. “But they’re okay.“

Louis laughs. “They’re _okay_. What? Are their dicks not big enough?“ 

I laugh and watch as they start getting serious. Louis is quiet, silently looking at the screen, and I wonder what he’s thinking about. I'm pretty sure that the only reason he wanted to watch this is because he's worried about me. Because he wants to know what it's like and he wants _me_ to know what it's like. Is he picturing me with another guy? “Would you be on top or bottom?“, he asks curiously.

I shrug. “I wouldn't mind bottom.“

He looks at me. “Really? You know it hurts, right?“

I grin at him. “I’m not a baby, Louis.“ 

“Have you ever tried – like, fingering?“

“Yeah“, I admit.

Louis just nods, then his attention is back on the screen. “That looks so painful“, he mumbles.

“He’s only screaming for show.“

“Still looks painful. Promise you won’t do this unless you’re ready for it.“

I roll my eyes. “Okay.“

“And only with a guy who’s really gentle with you, okay?“

“Okay, mum.“ 

He grins and hits my shoulder. “Shut up, I’m serious.“ 

“I know.“ I smile. “I swear I’ll be careful.“

We watch as they reach their orgasms and make a right mess out of each other. I feel myself getting a little stiff, but I'm not really turned on – this is for research after all. Louis clicks on another video, then another one and we don't talk much, just watch silently. Some of them are more gentle, others really kinky. Honestly it's not much different from regular porn. After a while I get a little uncomfortable, not because it's a weird situation but because I feel myself getting harder. “I'm tired", I say after the third video ended. “Can we sleep?" 

Louis nods, closes the laptop and puts it away. When he scoots closer to me, his thigh is right between my legs and I suppress a groan. Louis chuckles. “Oops.“ 

“Shut up“, I mumble.

He smiles, pressed a kiss on my forehead and sighs sleepily. “Aren't you going to take care of that?"

"No, it's fine", I mumble. For a second I think that Louis wants to say something. For a second I think he's going to offer to take care of me. But Ali isn't here and I'm not drunk. So he doesn't say it, instead he just shifts closer and pushes his thigh against my crotch again. His leg just stays there, not moving, with my boner pressing against it. We don't say anything. Eventually I hear Louis' slow breathing. I lay awake even though my eyes burn and my body is tired, wondering just how long this is going to go on like this, without me going crazy or Louis finding out the truth. 


End file.
